Penat!

Aku dah penat menangis.

tapi air mata ni tak nak berhenti mengalir.

dah lama sangat aku pendam semuanya.

dah lama sangat.

aku taktahu lagi nak bercerita pada siapa. 

siapa yang betul2 ambil berat, ambil kisah

sampai bila nak jadi macam ni?

aku benci jadi diri aku yang lemah ni.

mana diri aku yang dulu?

mana aku yang kuat dulu?

aku masih tak boleh terima Asriq buat aku macam ni

Aku masih tak mampu terima kenyataan

among all, he's the best listener, the best advisor

yet he left me, I don't have anything left to hold on

I collapse

I fell.

just like when Arin left me

I'm afraid everything will repeat again

but I just can't stop this

I can only just cry - silently so that my roommate won't know

I know I can't beg him to come back to me

he made his decision

but its me, it was so difficult to move on

i'm emotionally drained

I'm so frustrated no one even bother me in this condition

the one whom I thought my bestfriend - now act like a stranger

I wanna ask for help, but who'll care?

I wanna try to sleep  since 12

but its nearing 2 am, I still couldn't sleep

I miss home

I don't wanna be here

because I'll be here lying, crying helplessly

I'm so tired, why must I give a damn about all these?

Why I couldn't just ignore all these bullshits 

pretending like they don't bother me at all?

esok pagi2 dah lah ada paper

but I've lost my strength 

first paper pun belum start lagi.

S.O.S

today is the most pathetic day of my life

My heart hurted everytime teringat,

bila dia susah, I drove her all the way from Puncak Alam to Kulai

bila aku susah? no one even care.

aku bukan nak mengungkit, tapi aku sedih dilayan macam ni.

kenapa senyap2 korang bertiga buat group whatsapp belakang aku?

you don't even bother aku berbuka macam mana

tapi kau sedap2 buka kat luar.

what should I feel that time?

kawan baru kau sakit, you went all the way to bring her to clinic

do you even care about me?

yes, aku memang sengaja jauhkan diri dari korang since aku dapat tau korang buat group whatsapp bertiga.

I'm waiting for you to look for me back

i want to see, aku ni penting ke tak pada kau?

But what do I got?

"dah lah, kalau macam ni baik kau blah je"

aku sedih. aku terfikir. kenapa kawan aku buat aku macam ni.

apa salah lagi yang aku buat?

masa kita gaduh dulu, aku tungkus-lumus carik member aku siapa ada kat Dungun

aku nak bagi kau bunga, aku nak mintak maaf 

aku salah cakap, kau salah faham

aku pesan "kalau kau amalkan sikap pergi mampus, aku akan kejar kau. please do the same if I do"

because in any relationship there should be give and take

terbukti, bila aku amalkan sikap pergi mampus.

kau tak kejar pun aku.

aku dah tau tempat aku kat mana

kau dah ada kawan2 baru yang lagi baik dari aku

kau boleh campak aku ke tepi.

seboleh-bolehnya

aku nak tanya terus pada korang

kenapa?

tapi disebabkan kita nak final exam aku batalkan niat aku.

aku taknak ganggu emosi korang

tapi emosi aku yang terganggu

takpelah, next sem pun aku dah nak blah seperti yang kau suruh.

aku api kau api

dan aku, tak layak kawan dengan sape2 pun

I better off alone

I demand too much attention I dont deserve

Obviously, kau pun dah ada kawan baru dan ketepikan aku

mudahnya kan? 

Aku dah letih tampal senyuman plastik sedangkan dalam hati ni tgh luka parah

aku rendahkan ego aku sbb aku tau personaliti kita bercanggah

sebab apa? sebab aku sayangkan kau

Is there any reason I can't be so envious?

entahlah, semua orang yang aku sayang buat aku merana

apa korang nak buat lepas ni korang buatlah, aku dah tak kisah

I accept the fact that I'm not a good friend to you.

I accept the fact that I should be alone because I'm not good in making friends.

No matter what I do

No matter how much I try

Its gonna be in the same circle

no, I will not gonna let us argue about this

I better keep this

I better shut my mouth up

no one should know about this

I shall let myself suffer

I suck that in

at times I feel like suicidal

I feel like I dont belong here

I lost count how many times I cry my hearts out

this time, please let me sleep.

I slept at 10 am yesterday only for 4 hours.

May Allah ease me in answering my first paper esok.

good night

-from shattered heart-